Akureir’s Caravan: series of truly bizarre events
by Kayi Rowling
Summary: Kat Yoh, the female Selkie from the Crystal Caravan of Akureir, writes on the Diary some really strange events that happen to them during their travels. NOTE: It's not randomness!
1. Prologue

**_Chapter 0:_** **Prologue**

**Title: **Akureir's Caravan: a series of truly bizarre events  
**Author: **Kayi Rowling  
**Game: **Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles  
**Language: **English  
**Genre: **Humor  
**Rate:** T  
**Summary:** Kat Yoh, the female Selkie from the Crystal Caravan of Akureir, writes on the Diary some really strange events that happen to them during their travels.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles or any other Final Fantasy game.

**Author notes:** This series of truly bizarre events is based upon that bunch of data that the game gives you, yet never actively uses, and therefore is a beautiful place where to begin parodies and such. Yes, this fanfic _is_ a parody to FFCC, using certain details either me or my brother have noticed while playing, and surely you have noticed as well!  
So, read and enjoy (R&E), which is more important than read and review (R&R), though I still expect you spare two seconds of your time to review this fanfic. Thank you.

**Akureir's caravan members:**  
Kat Yoh: Selkie female, Wolfie, blacksmith  
Han Nat: Selkie male, Raccoon tail, miller  
Chisara: Clavat female, Dark coat, rancher  
Deiji: Clavat male, Headband, alchemist  
Falina: Yuke female, Spiral, tailor  
Bambi: Yuke male, Black mage, fisherman  
Remedi: Lilty female, Elegant, farmer  
Marche: Lilty male, Bucket head, merchant  
Mog: the moogle

**Random after-note:** Kat Yoh's name is part of my complete name, Kathia Yohani, abbreviated "Kayi". And by complete name, I don't mean the real one (wink).


	2. Why are Selkies the best?

**_Chapter 1:_ Why are Selkies the best?**

Kat Yoh, a Wolfie Selkie female, was walking by the caravan's side along with her 'boyfriend', the Raccoon Tail male Selkie, Han Nat. He was, as always, telling her nonsense about the beautiful life they would have together when they married, keeping on with his family's Miller business and having tons of children, instead of the customary three per couple.

And, while Han Nat talked to the air, as Kat Yoh just refused to hear him, they discovered another caravan blocking the road ahead.

"What the heck?" Kat Yoh said aloud, leaving her 'boyfriend' behind and running to see what had happened.

She found the unimaginable: five caravans had stopped in front of the caravan blocking her own, forming a semi-circle. In the middle of that, the members of those Crystal Caravans were ranting about which tribe was the best and why.

Clavats argued they were the best producers of food worldwide, and that without them, everybody would die of hunger. Lilties said they were the strongest tribe, and that they were the ones responsible for the safety that everybody saw on the roads nowadays. Yukes disagreed with those two, and said they were responsible for the enormous production of food and also for the safety in the world because of their impressive magic powers and accumulated knowledge. Selkies just stated they were the best.

"Hey, what's this?" Han Nat exclaimed, following his 'darling' and startling the ranting young people. "Hello, guys and gals! What are you doing?"

Kat Yoh proceeded to slap her forehead and the group just stared at the two Selkies. A shy-looking White Cap Clavat female answered his question, though:

"We're… um… discussing about… well… you know… which tribe is the best of all… that's all…"

"Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Han Nat laughed out loud, almost falling down. "It's so obvious!"

"Ah?" general exclamation.

"We, the Selkies, are the best of us all!"

"Well, that's what these loons said too!" a Bucket Head male Lilty said, pointing to the other three Selkies present.

"And without a proper justification as well," a Black Mage Yuke male added.

"Well… I do have that juski… justipi… justifich… Argh! Well, I do have that!"

"Then state it," the Yuke said.

Han Nat smiled broadly, and walked behind Kat Yoh in a nonchalant way.

"The Selkies, that is 'us', are the best because…"

Suspense-type of silence followed.

"…our gals' boobs bounce!" he yelled, his hands darting under his 'darling's' arms and squeezing her breasts, and she shrieked.

---------------

Later that day…

"Hey, Kat Yoh, where's Han Nat?" Remedi, the Elegant Lilty female of the Akureir's Caravan, asked the Wolfie Selkie girl.

Kat Yoh turned around and glared at the Lilty, fire of rage burning in her eyes. The Lilty backed off.

"Ok, don't get so worked up with it!" Remedi said, slowly walking away from her. "Sorry I asked!"

Kat Yoh sighed and looked at the caravan's wheels, and smiled as she saw Han Nat's arm being dragged between them. She'd beaten the heck out of him after that horrible scene earlier that day and had tied him down there…

"You bastard…" she muttered and kept walking by the caravan's side.

---------------

_Today we found a series of caravans that had stopped in the middle of the road. Their members were arguing about which of the tribes was the best._

_I personally think that discussion is useless and that it even could affect us all negatively, as racism is increased as you put your own tribe above the others and say horrible things, most of them false, about the others._

_But Han Nat insisted on joining those caravaners and proceeded to state Selkies are the best. Then a Yuke asked him to justify his statement, and he did so by telling Selkie girls' breasts bounce more than those of the other tribes' girls._

_So he now travels tied up and gagged under our caravan…_

---------------

**Author's notes:** Based upon the fact that the breasts of the Selkie females bounce. And that's all the author notes… for now.

_**Read, enjoy, and review!**_


	3. Mog’s strike day

**_Chapter 2:_ Mog's strike day**

"Come on, Mog!" Kat Yoh called him as she beat yet another monster and took the fish it left behind. "Let's keep going!"

"Yes!" the Moogle said, dragging along the chalice.

Kat Yoh began running around, checking if there were any monsters left in the area and taking the treasures that were kept in several chests nearby, before heading towards the Myrrh Tree in order to collect another drop… but Mog had begun sweating because of exhaustion, as he could barely keep the pace with the swift Selkie girl.

"I'm tired, kupo, it's your turn. Take the chalice," he told Kat Yoh… who promptly ignored him. "Hey, I'm tired! Don't ignore me, kupo!"

He stopped and Kat Yoh went out towards the miasma.

"Argh!" she cried and ran back towards Mog. "What the heck…? Why did you stop here?" she demanded, hand on her hip.

"I'm tired, kupo! Don't ignore me, and take the chalice, kupo!" Mog yelled.

"Hey, but you're with me because you're the one who's supposed to carry it!" Kat Yoh said. "You're here to help me!"

"Yes, kupo, that's true… but I'm not your slave, kupo!"

"And so what? You still have to help me out, and I need help with the chalice!"

"No way, kupo!" Mog said, dropping the chalice to the floor. "I won't move from here. I need to rest, kupo," he sat down on the ground.

Kat Yoh glared at him as he fell backwards with his 'kupo' exclamation, just like every moogle did.

"Stand up, you moogle!"

"No."

"Stand up!"

"Kupo, no!"

Kat Yoh growled out in pure frustration. She went and took the chalice, and began walking away, when she noticed Mog wasn't following.

"Hey, what are you doing just sitting down there? What if I need your help?"

"I don't care, kupo. You treat me like a slave!" Mog cried, tears on his slit-shaped eyes. "I'll stay here, kupo, until you return."

"…the heck! Stand up, you lazy moogle!"

"Kupo, no!"

"Argh!" she growled and just left.

---------------

The fights proved to be quite a difficult task without Mog to carry the chalice for her. She kept dropping it when a monster hit her, she couldn't use the place's space as effectively to dodge and charge attacks or magic… Kat Yoh was completely disgusted by the thought, but she needed that slave… no: Mog, the moogle; not 'the slave'.

She came back dragging the chalice, not a single phoenix down available in her inventory… but fortunately she'd made it through the boss and had collected the obligatory drop of myrrh. Then she just dropped the chalice in a fit of rage as she saw Mog was wearing a comfortable-looking robe and was 'smoking' from a pipe that made bubbles while he conversed with another moogle.

"Argh! Mog!" she roared and he fell backwards, as all the moogles do every now and then.

"Oh, she's here!" Mog said to his companion as he jumped up back to standing position. "Thank you for the robe and the bubbles. Good-bye!"

"Bye!" the other moogle said, and fell backwards…

Both hands on her hips, chalice by her side, a furious Kat Yoh was waiting him. Mog ran towards her and took the chalice obediently.

"Good," Kat Yoh said. "Now… Never again dare to leave me like that! Did you hear that, moogle?" she bellowed.

"Yes, kupo."

---------------

_Today I collected a drop of myrrh from Tida… barely. Mog went on strike because he thinks I treat him like a slave! So I had to carry the chalice and battle all by myself._

_And, on top of that, he went and relaxed with the local moogle, chitchatting and making soap bubbles! And all while I almost died because he wasn't there to help me!_

_Now I have to admit that, without Mog's help, I'm in quite a bunch of trouble._

---------------

**Author's notes:** Based upon the fact that Mog always get tired when you most need him, and that you sometimes can choose to just ignore him.

Once, while my brother was playing, Mog got tired and I said his dialogue, but changed: "I'm tired, kupo. I won't move from here, kupo!" And I wondered: "what would happen if you ignore him too much? Would he abandon you?" Honestly, I pity that moogle…

_**Read, enjoy, and review!**_


	4. A stalker’s letters

**_Chapter 3:_ A stalker's letters**

"Come on, Mog!" Kat Yoh called at him with a smile.

"Sure thing, kupo!" he answered and followed, happy with Kat Yoh's change of attitude since the 'strike day' incident.

They went out from the room and faced the Gigas Lord and his wife, Maggie the Lamia. Kat Yoh defeated them both and watched as the Lord hit the floor and ran away like the immature beast he was, his wife following him out of the mansion.

"I wonder what she saw on him, kupo."

"And I wonder if she ever gets tired of dealing with such a cry-baby…"

They walked towards the myrrh tree and collected the droplet on the chalice… Mailmoogle was coming anytime now… 3… 2… 1…

"Kupo!" there he was!

"I keep wondering how you always find me… and why you always come after I collect the myrrh."

He handed Kat Yoh a letter, and then told her.

"I don't know; I just do so, kupo!"

"Ok," she sighed. "Let's see… from who is this letter from?" she looked for a name written on the envelope, but found none. "What the heck? No name?" she turned towards the Mailmoogle. "Who gave you this? And why doesn't it have a name?"

"I don't remember, kupo. I just receive and deliver letters, kupo. That's my job."

Kat Yoh shot him a quick glare before opening the envelope and reading the letter. It was a very elaborated and complicated letter, so profound with meanings and…

'I'm watching you!'

…quite concise.

"What? Who's watching me?" Kat Yoh asked aloud. "Are you sure this was for me?" she asked the Mailmoogle.

"I just deliver stuff, kupo."

"Useless…" she said, and passed the letter to Mog, who was curious about what was written in the paper. "Well, give him/her/it this response…"

She wrote her own letter.

'I don't care.'

She handed the Mailmoogle her response and gave him nothing else. Whoever this person was, better keep it that way, and not sending him/her/it gifts nor money.

---------------

Kat Yoh and the other girls of the Akureir's Caravan were reading and re-reading the stalker's letters, which had been coming to the Selkie's hands constantly during the last four years or so.

"Ugh, this is creepy," Chisara, the Black Coat Clavat, said as she passed Falina, the Spiral Yuke, one of the letters and took the one Remedi was handing her. "Whoever or whatever is stalking you… is creepy."

1. 'I'm watching you'

2. 'You sure you don't care?'

3. 'You're quite sexy when you're mad.'

4. 'And when you're scared too!'

5. 'You should come see me sometime.'

6. 'No, really! You should!'

7. 'I'll keep writing even if you don't answer.'

8. 'No, I'm not him. PS: Tell him black eyes don't last forever.'

9. 'I've told my friends about you.'

10. 'Yes, and they want to meet you!'

11. 'Come on, you don't like admirers?'

12. 'Oh, so I'm a stalker?'

13. 'Am I annoying you?'

14. 'Why don't you come over?'

"Don't go!" Remedi cried, holding the last letter, and looking over at Kat Yoh.

"You're crazy? Of course I won't go!"

"Well… Let's hope you don't receive any more letters," Falina said.

---------------

_I have been receiving a series of letters from a mysterious stalker. Even though I wonder who he/she/it might be, I won't ever go to whichever place he/she/it is living on._

_I promise that, shall another letter come by, I'll burn it even if the Mailmoogle beats me up because I didn't give him an answer so he could complete his 'job'._

_I pray that I won't see any other letter from that person or thing, though…_

---------------

**Author's notes:** Based upon the fact that you receive letters from just about _anybody_ in the game, not just your family. This made me wonder if I would ever receive a stalker's letter, so here it is!

Watch for the direct sequel of this chapter, and know the stalker!

_**Read, enjoy, and review!**_


	5. The Selkic code applied

Chapter 4: **The Selkic code applied**

Han Nat held a piece of meat to his black eye, a gift from his 'beloved one' when she thought he was the one who was sending her those letters. Certainly, he was angry at that person or thing for sending her those series of stalking letters, but secretly thanked him/her/it for doing so, because they had given him an idea…

Kat Yoh took the slice of meat from his eye and kicked him on the leg.

"You've ruined our dinner!" she bellowed. "Now you'll come with me to get some more meat, you hear?"

"Anytime, darling!" and he received a slap.

They jumped off the caravan and ran towards the front, where the Bucket Head male Lilty known as Marche was holding the reins of the papaopamus, leading it through the road.

"Hey, we're going to Alfitaria to buy some more meat," Kat Yoh called to him as Han Nat began running towards the aforementioned city.

"Won't the miasma reach you?" the Lilty asked.

"I don't think so… In all these years we've been traveling, I've yet to see high miasma concentration on the roads."

"Alright! We'll wait for you at the crossroad, then," and Kat Yoh set off.

---------------

"Hey! I've got the meat!" Han Nat yelled at her when she was reaching Alfitaria.

"Wow, you were fast, and you actually did it on your own!" Kat Yoh exclaimed, making the Raccoon Tail male Selkie blush as he handed her the slices of meat. "Good slave," she patted him on the head. "Ok, let's head back to the car…"

"Hey, there he is!" a Clavat man yelled and a multitude with torches and pitchforks suddenly appeared.

"Yes, that's him!" the Liltian store owner cried, and the aforementioned multitude ran towards them.

"…the heck? What's up with them?" Kat Yoh asked herself aloud as she and Han Nat ran away at average Selkic speed, that is: faster than the angry mob.

Then, she heard how they cursed and pointed at Han Nat.

"Hey, what did you do to them?"

"Eh… I… I just did as our parents have always told us to do…"

"And that is?"

---------------

_Han Nat is traveling under the caravan again. He deserves it yet again, as he applied the Selkic Code in order to get our dinner for today: he didn't pay at all._

_An angry mob followed us for a while, and we even had to beat up some of them who had begun attacking us, but we managed to leave them behind and reach our companions at the crossroad._

_I explained everything to our fellow caravaners as we ate dinner. Then they asked me why we hadn't just stopped and paid… Now I think we should have done that._

---------------

**Author's notes:** Based upon the fact that Selkies are socially marked as thieves, and also on the fact that there never seems to be enough miasma to damage or kill anybody on the roads, though this is minor.

Certainly, I _know_, as I play with a Selkie, that _stealing_ isn't (explicitly) written on the Selkic Code letter one of your parents sends you, but _getting the food_, _getting the gil_, and _getting the items_, if interpreted correctly, can insinuate you should steal in order to keep all that: "how to get all the food and the items? Buy them. But how to keep all your gil? Steal items and food".

_**Read, enjoy, and review!**_


	6. Carbuncles love pretty chicks… and guys!

Chapter 5: **Carbuncles love pretty chicks… and guys!**

Finally the Carbuncles at Mag Mell had woken up completely and were giving useful information to Kat Yoh, who visited them constantly. Certainly, she hoped her friends would dare to come and ask things to these creatures, because they scared her with their huge bodies and small heads with bizarre faces… She felt stalked when they looked down at her.

She went up to the first Carbuncle she ever met and talked with him for a while.

"Hey, have you been receiving my letters?" the Carbuncle asked.

"Ah?" Kat Yoh asked as well, confused.

"Yes, I've been writing to you for a while now!" the Selkie paled and covered her mouth with her hands. "Don't tell me you don't receive them anymore… I have trusted the Mailmoogle service for centuries, and it would be strange that they failed…"

"Which letters…? What did you write in them?"

"Mmm…" the Carbuncle tried to scratch his head as he thought, but his wing couldn't reach that far. "The only thing that I remember right now was that I invited you to come over…"

Silence fell. Kat Yoh paled even more and began trembling in fear…

"I also remember some of the answers were quite rude… mmm…" the Carbuncle suddenly started to talk again, and Kat Yoh began walking backwards slowly. "Mmm… Wait! I invited you over, and now you're here! Isn't that great?" then he called over to the other Carbuncles. "Hey, Carbuncles! This is the girl I've been writing to, and she came over! Isn't she nice?"

Kat Yoh prepared herself to run away at Selkic top speed, but the Carbuncles began moving towards his nest, effectively blocking all escape routes with their huge bodies. She then began backing away from them, leaning against the strange nest's wall.

"Yeah, she's nice."

"She's pretty hot."

"Yeah. Wonder if she can interbreed with our race…"

"What if we try to find out?"

"I hadn't seen any kind of female since we all fell asleep…"

"Can I touch her?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"

---------------

"Hey, wasn't that Kat Yoh's voice?" Falina, the female Spiral Yuke, asked the caravan, which had stopped at the crossroad before Mag Mell.

Kat Yoh's scream had reached them even when they were a reasonable distance apart from the Carbuncles' nest place. They all turned around to look in that direction, but saw nothing weird or out of place.

"Yup, it was," Deiji said after a short while, taking his weapon and preparing himself to go to investigate what had happened… when she appeared by the caravan's side.

Kat Yoh fell to the ground on her knees, pale and breathing with difficulty. They all stared at her, and she stared back.

"The stalker… coming… The stalker!" she said.

"Oh, no! The one who wrote the letters?" Chisara asked.

"How creepy!" Remedi cried.

"Did you find him at Mag Mell?" Falina asked as well, and Kat Yoh shook her head.

"Lives… there! And coming… now!" she said and stood up again, starting to run towards the miasma stream.

The girls of the caravan followed her, and the guys stayed there, watching them flee.

"Oh, please!" Han Nat sighed. "It can't be that bad to be followed, right?"

"It depends," Marche said, quickly taking the reins and forcing the caravan to turn around and follow the girls.

"On what?" Han Nat asked, exasperated.

"On the quantity of stalkers," Deiji declared, pointing at Han Nat's back and running behind the caravan with Bambi.

Han Nat, confused, stood there alone for a while, trying to understand. Then he turned around… All the Carbuncles of Mag Mell were running towards the crossroad, some of them falling forwards because of their weird bodies, but using that to slide on the floor like penguins.

"Oh, look, a male Selkie!"

"He's hot!"

"I haven't seen a non Carbuncle male since we all fell asleep…"

"Can I touch him?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"

---------------

_Today we went to visit the Carbuncle nest, Mag Mell, to see if they could give us information of any kind that might help us in our travels through the world collecting myrrh. They gave us useful information, yes… but one of them was the one writing the stalking letters to me!_

_Now that I think about it, before we managed to get the unknown element on our chalice and we tried to get through the unknown element miasma stream with the elements at our reach, and also before all of them were awake, I could see a Carbuncle there, like if waiting… But when we approached, it ran away. Could that have been him, the stalker?_

_Meanwhile, Han Nat is still unconscious inside the caravan. Seemingly, they attacked him, but neither of us wants to know what they did to him…_

---------------

**Author's notes:** Based upon the fact that a Carbuncle can be seen in the miasma stream before you get the unknown element and before they all wake up. It's also based on the Stalker's Letters chapter (duh).

As they have a truly bizarre body shape and also a weird face, and also because of the event described above, they fitted in perfectly for Kat Yoh's stalker role. Also, they have been asleep for many years and it would seem they're all male, so seeing a different species female must be bliss; the Han Nat incident was just for fun… _I'm evil_.

_In other news_, I obtained my first review for this story. Yey! (celebrates around her caravan's fire).

_**Read, enjoy, and review!**_


	7. Chest Clause

Chapter 6: **Chest Clause**

"From where do these chests come from?" Remedi suddenly asked as Bambi took the artifact.

"Hey, I wanted that artifact!" Kat Yoh cried, whacking him with her racket.

"From where, you say?" Bambi asked Remedi, ignoring Kat Yoh. "Well, my father once told me about the Chest Clause!"

"What is the Chest Clause?" Remedi asked, sitting down on the ground.

"Guys, there are monsters around us!" Kat Yoh called them, but Bambi sat down as well and began telling the Lilty female the story of Chest Clause. "Guys!"

"Let them be!" Deiji yelled at her. "Let's beat these monsters and keep the items!"

"Alright!"

Meanwhile…

"Chest Clause is an old, fat Clavat man who lives in the clouds, between the raindrops, and has a sleigh pulled by many colorful birds…"

"And the miasma on the atmosphere doesn't hurt him or what?"

"No, it doesn't hurt him… because he's magical!" Remedi gasped. "That's why he can travel through the whole world without anybody noticing, leaving treasure chests full of useful items in those places where there's a myrrh tree," Remedi gasped again.

"Nobody can see him while he does that?" the Lilty female asked, curious.

"Nobody has seen him, but we know he exists," Bambi continued. "If he didn't exist, then who would leave these chests lying around all over the world? And more importantly, who'd make sure that, when travelers leave the place, the next travelers get something as well?"

"Oh!" Remedi exclaimed, as it all sank in and her brain accepted the story. "Yes, you're right. Chest Clause exists! And he leaves all these items for us to take, because…! Mmm…" she thought it over. "Why does he leave those chests around?"

"Because he loves us all, the good travelers who take myrrh to their respective villages and towns, so the crystals are able to guard the innocent people from the poisonous miasma!"

"Oh! You're right! We're good and help people, and he likes that, so he gives us these treasure chests!" Remedi exclaimed excitedly, standing up.

"Yes!" Bambi exclaimed excitedly as well.

"Hey, guys, let's get moving and beat the boss, so we can collect more myrrh!" Kat Yoh yelled at them, Deiji carrying the chalice.

"Yes!" Bambi and Remedi exclaimed excitedly together.

"And that way, the Chest Clause will give us more and better items next time! Because we're good!" Remedi said happily.

Kat Yoh and Deiji stared at her.

"Sure thing, honey," Kat Yoh said. "Now, let's get moving!"

---------------

They were all asleep besides the caravan, forming a semicircle, the fire slowly dying at the center. Remedi woke up suddenly, the sound of birds tweeting nearby reaching her ears. She stood up and left Marche's side to go search the source of the tweeting.

"Mmm… it's still dark…" she yawned. "No birds should be tweeting at this hour…"

She approached the entrance to Mushroom Forest and saw how a bird-pulled sleigh descending, a fat Clavat man riding it. Remedi gasped and ran to see what was happening. She stopped behind a tall toadstool and watched as the man carefully placed a new treasure chest on the ground, while the monsters slept…

Wait: monsters? They had gotten rid of those just some hours ago!

The Clavat man sat on his sleigh again and it rose into the skies, the colorful birds pulling it tweeting happily. Remedi couldn't resist it…:

"Bye, Chest Clause!" she yelled, waving at him. "Thank you!" and he turned around and waved back at her, making her giggle happily.

The monsters woke up for a moment, but seeing the sky was still dark and they were really tired, they went back to sleep, ignoring the giggling Lilty girl.

---------------

_Yesterday, Bambi told Remedi the story of Chest Clause… and she believed it! Certainly, we all believed in him when we were children, little innocent children back at home with our moms, dads and siblings. We all dreamt to travel someday so we would have a chance to meet him, but he's the character of a children's story. He isn't real._

_Still, Remedi believed Bambi's words. Now both of them strongly believe in him, and Remedi even claimed having seen him last night! She was saying lots of nonsense, so we all decided to ignore her for the time being…_

---------------

**Author's notes:** Based upon the fact that chests appear on a dungeon over and over again, some times containing better items than the last time (until you reach cycle three, when the quality stagnates there forever).

You must already know what story did I use to make the Chest Clause, his sleigh, the place where he lives, the fact that he's _magical_, the placement of the chests on the land surrounding a myrrh tree, and the fact that he gives those chests to the _good travelers_. This chapter was part of the Akureir's Children's Stories to Explain Things, and there are more to come.

_In other news_, I obtained my first review for this story. Yey! (celebrates around her caravan's fire).

_**Read, enjoy, and review!**_


End file.
